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My George Bush doll didn’t work as promised. I want my money back.
S.H.- Baghdad, Iraq
Dear S.H.
We do not offer refunds, but maybe you would be interested in a U.S. Supreme Court Doll.
-Pinheads
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Why not jab Moammar a few times just for good measure?
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A portion of the proceeds from all Osama and Saddam dolls goes to the USO.
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Are you a political junkie... or do you know someone who is? Pinhead Voodoo Dolls make great gifts.
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Don’t be surprised if booze comes streaming out when you stick your Ted Kennedy doll.
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We must warn you, reading any further may result in unanticipated consequences.
Voodoo is the most powerful of all the Dark Arts... Its mysterious and ancient
methods of casting spells and hexes remain unexplained to this day...
Look, we're going to be perfectly honest with you. What do a girl from the
Bronx and a guy from
Boston know about voodoo? Only what we've read. If you want to know
about casting spells and chanting, we've compiled this page of incantations
and legends for your viewing or voodooing pleasure...
We can tell you this... Pinhead Voodoo Dolls range in height between 6" and 10."
They are made of 100% cotton fabric and are stuffed with hypo-allergenic
poly-fill. Our voodoo dolls come with six color-coded pins: 3 black-headed, to
wish bad luck or evil spirits on the subject; 3 white-headed pins for good luck
or great fortune; and as a bonus we're including spells for red-headed pins for
love and romance; as well as spells for green-headed pins for wealth or money.
NOTE- Osama bin Laden,
Saddam Hussein, Kim Jong-il,
Yasser, and Fidel (we're on a first
name basis) are only shipped with black pins. You will see specific notations
when browsing the site.
On the subject of what else you can do to your
dolls... punching, kicking, stepping-on and squashing are also viable options.
Better make sure all pins are removed and safely stowed away before physically
attacking your doll. If you've made the smart fashion choice and purchased
shirts or hats emblazoned with our same sharp artwork-- Do NOT use pins on the
image while you're wearing the shirt or hat. We assure you that the pins we
supply, or most other pins, will easily pierce your skin, as well as other
things attached to you or your body. We encourage using bulldog clips, clothes
pins and similar items to inflict headaches. If you want to psychologically
torture your dolls, we suggest putting them in the freezer* Never use
fire to torture a doll. For one thing, they'll burn up and you'll lose your
doll; for another, it's not safe. You can stop feeding them for weeks at a
time. Put them out in the sun without suntan lotion. You can place them right
in front of the speakers to your stereo system and blast music from annoying
artists; or better yet, put them on the couch in front of your television
before you leave for work and then turn on C-SPAN and crank it up!
| Spell Name |
Used For |
Instructions |
| P-3 (P cubed) |
Inflicting Pelvic and Prostate Problems |
Lay your doll face up on the ground. Put on a red, stilletto pump.
Grind target region with heel. |
| 4Ms |
Money, Misery, Misfortune and Malfunctions |
This will require all your black pins, a green pin, a purple pin
and an orange pin. Alternate sticking black and colored pins around the neck of
your doll. (like a spiked collar) |
| ABCs |
Aches, Breaks and Catastrophes |
Bend your doll in half,
then use a bulldog clip to clamp it head to foot.
Scream "Eenie, meenie, minie mo...
|
| Taxes |
Tax Problems |
Wrap a copy of the "1040EZ" around your doll and chant "That new
Rolex, you shouldn't have bought it, now you're gonna have an audit. |
| BHD |
Bad Hair Day |
Shout "I summon the spirit of Nick Nolte... Look in the mirror if
you dare. For the rest of the month you'll have bad hair. Stick all pins (good
and bad) into the head of your doll. |
| The "Dole" |
Causes your subject to fall off a stage in public |
While continuously knocking your doll off a coffee table, repeat
very softly "Viagra shmiagra, what goes up, must come down. |
| The "B-41" |
Will cause your subject to vomit on a world leader |
Create a Broccolli Triangle. Place your Pinhead Voodoo Doll in the
center. Chant "Ichi, nee, son she; throw up now, just not on me. |
| The "B-43" |
Will cause your subject to choke on a pretzel |
(Depending on your
location, you may have to improvise the first part of this) Go to the (mall,
street vendor or state fair) and get one of those giant soft pretzels. Squeeze
your doll's head through the largest (but snug) opening
|
| The "Gerry F." |
Causes your subject to become clumsy or accident-prone |
Place your doll on top of a golf tee. Take out your "1" driver and
have at it. Yell at the top of your lungs "Pardon this!" |
| The "J. Edgar" |
Your subject will be uncovered by the media as a cross dresser |
Depending on the doll you have, get out either an old set of Barbie
or G.I. Joe clothes and dress them inappropriately For male dolls, use a
combination of pink and black pins. For female dolls, use a combination of blue
and black pins. Click your heels together three times and repeat "Come out,
come out, whoever you are." |
| 1992 B.C. |
Will cause your subject to emerge from obscurity to win a
presidential election |
You need to dress up as an Arkansas State Trooper. Then take your
doll out to some of the local night spots and set it up on "dates" with anyone
of the opposite sex. |
| The Tricky Dick |
Will cause your subject to become embroiled in an enormous scandal
and resign from office |
Locate the tapes which your dolls has been secretly making of its
conversations the other dolls in your collection. Take the most damning tape
and duct tape it to your doll. Then dress it up as a plumber and mail it to the
largest local newspaper. |
| The J.F.K. |
Will create an aura of power and fame around your subject, allowing
them to bed any celebrity they would like |
Surround your doll with bootleg alcohol and money made when trading
on insider information. Light a candle and repeat "Dynasty" 10 times. |
| The Chicken of Islam |
Will cause your subject to go unshaven, unbathed, and unkept for a
period of 6 months after which he will crawl into a hole and live like a rat,
then surrender to overwhelming and superior forces |
You'll need a George Bush doll for this one. Bury your doll neck
deep in dirt, then use your George Bush doll to repeatedly pelt your doll on
and about the face and head. Yell "Shock and Awe" 100 times. |
| The R-2 (R-squared) |
Will cause your subject to shrink to a mere 4 foot-6 inch stature. |
Remove all pins. Place your Pinhead Voodoo Doll on a solid surface.
Raise a heavy book high above your head and with this incantation "In the name
of the godfather, Sunday off and Jimmy Hoffa and all those who are unionized, I
shrink thee" smash the book down on the doll. |
| Do Not Pass Go |
Sends your subject straight to jail, with no possibility of parole
and no time off for good behavior. |
Take a dollar bill,wrap it around your Pinhead Voodoo Doll and
fasten it with black pins. Then with 4 sharp thrusts of your green pin, shout
out the following names, "Enron, Global Crossing, Tyko, WorldCom." |
| The Moral Dilemma |
Causes your subject to repeatedly telephone a national talkshow
host and predictably get berated. |
Take photos of your doll in the nude (the doll, not you) publish
them on the internet, then jab it with every pin you have and repeat "Go take
on the day" 1,000 times.
|
| War for Oil |
Causes your subject to uncontrollably plan and prosecute
skirmishes, battles and wars around the globe. |
Place your doll on the dash board of your car and drive around with
it all day chanting "Oil and gas, it's not funny, now let's go to war so I can
make some money... Halliburton, Halliburton, Rah, Rah, Rah!" |
! ! ! SAFETY
WARNING ! ! !
In all seriousness, these are not
children's toys, so never let children, infants, pets or other animals play
with them. You never can tell when there may be a pin left in the doll by
accident.
PLEASE, SAFETY FIRST!
*If you do place a voodoo doll in the freezer, don't be
surprised if it comes out smelling like the food in the freezer. After all,
it's a doll, not baking soda.
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970- AM Tampa Bay, Yasser Arafat, John Ashcroft, Alec Baldwin, Glenn Beck, Ben Bernanke, Osama bin Laden, Mayor Michael Bloomberg, Pat Buchanan, George W. Bush, James Carville, Fidel Castro, Dick Cheney, Dixie Chicks, Wesley Clark, Bill Clinton, Hillary Clinton, Ann Coulter, U.S. Supreme Court, Tom Daschle, Howard Dean, Democrat Donkey, John Edwards, Republican Elephant, Louis Farrakhan, Al Franken, Moammar Gadhafi, Janeane Garofalo, Dick Gephardt, Newt Gingrich, Albert Gore, Jr., Bob Graham, The Head Pinheads, Saddam Hussein, Jesse Jackson, Kim Jong-il, Ted Kennedy, John F. Kerry, Ted Koppel, Ken Lay, Joe Lieberman, Rush Limbaugh, John McCain, Dennis Miller, Michael Moore, Ralph Nader, Oliver North, Bill O’Reilly, Barack Obama, Nancy Pelosi, Sean Penn, Hockey Player, Football Player A, Football Player N, Pleasure Police, Colin Powell, Dan Rather, The Referee, Robert Reich, Janet Reno, Donald Rumsfeld, Susan Sarandon, Dr. Laura Schlessinger, Arnold Schwarzenegger, Rev. Al Sharpton, Martin Sheen, Martha Stewart, Barbra Streisand, M.J. / Todd Schnitt, The Umpire,
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Colin Powell
Ben Bernanke
Republican Elephant
Tom Daschle
Barbra Streisand
Saddam Hussein
Al Sharpton
Dennis Miller
Ted Koppel
Moammar Gadhafi
Alec Baldwin
John Ashcroft
Janeane Garofalo
Barack Obama
Susan Sarandon
Bob Graham
Robert Reich
The Umpire
Sean Penn
Osama bin Laden
Bill O’Reilly
Dick Gephardt
Ralph Nader
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